We learn countless lessons from our lives-more than we know. We just feed off other people’s energy. When others are happy, we’re happy. When someone weeps, we share a tissue. When someone dies we comfort those who mourn and laugh about the happy memories.
Life isn’t always as it is in the books, songs, and movies. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I’d say it was almost a parallel universe. Something made up to help us cope with such tragedy.
I guess it’s just the way the rocks fall and the waves crash against the shore. The way you feel when you see a sunset off a beach or a sunrise in the country. Never knowing what awaits you ahead.
The danger people warn you about, but you ignore. The reasons behind decisions and the mechanics of a heart untouched and still kept feebly intact.
No one ever really knows how long you have. It’s never really certain. Just the fact that nothing is set in stone scares most people. I should know. I’m one of them. And though I’m condemned to fear, no one can tell the difference.
I’m pompous, conceited, and inconsiderate at times. The only people who see this side of me though, are the ones I have a differentiated connection with.
When I’m alone, I like to sit and think about everything. From where I’ve been to where I’m going; who I’ve loved to who’s loved me. Sometimes even, I’ll stray from the happiness and tumble blindly into the dark, and think about whom I’ve lost and sad memories about funerals and last goodbyes. Farewells.
Then there are times, even in the same breath, where I contradict what I think, feel, and know.
It’s funny how life works like that. I’ve gone from eating nothing to eating everyday. Without incident of need or desire for regurgitation. I’ve gone from drinking massive amounts of coffee to drinking none.
I don’t really know very much about life situations, like boyfriend/girlfriend problems or haircuts and styles. Sure I can tell you about anything educational or sports wise, but does it really matter?
We work our butts off for twelve years to go to a fancy college, but do we really know our priorities? What I used to think was fist is now last and vice versa.
Ever since a friend of mine’s death shortly before school started, I’ve been wondering how I ever was without him. Pathetic, right? I can’t remember my life before someone I’ve only known for three years. I assume that’s what happens when you care about someone or something so much, you forget about life before it; and then after, you’re left with a broken life.
Everyone sees the change in me. Last year I was this happy-go-lucky-I-have-all-I-could-ever-want girl. Now? I’m a girl I don’t even recognize. Most days I don’t even look in the mirror anymore. I’m too afraid of what new sights I’ll see. But there are times I slip up and actually look. I see a girl who’s growing up, and is contemplating the moves she’ll make. Someone who’s stuck in a game of chess, where she’s the queen and she sends pawns, knights, and bishops out to protect her.
Funny isn’t it? One day a girl like me who can have whatever her little heart desires is happy and content, and the next she’s just lost and dishearted.
I don’t really know what told me at first, but I know now what I’d been trying so hard not to admit. I’m not who I want to be, now or ever. But at the same time I don’t want to change it.
Coming from a family, who used to go to church every Sunday, to not going at all, is hard on a person. I guess no one really ever thinks that maybe it’s just a phase or maybe they’re imagining things. I wish I knew, but unfortunately I don’t.
But I found out if you want something, take it. Don’t ask, don’t tell. In most cases that’s what has to be done. If you want love you’ll take it in any form. Whether it is a hug or a smirk. You take it as a they-like-me-enough-for-a-reaction type thing. If you want to be happy, you smile and think happy thoughts. Pretty soon they’ll sustain you and you’ll become happy.
Yet of course our lives come crumbling down when we make a mistake.
Mistakes are funny sometimes. They make you think. The biggest one I ever made was trusting a guy I though would never in a million years leave. It’s funny, a million years turned out to be one year, seventy-five days, one hour, eleven minutes and fifty-eight seconds.
It’s strange how we can keep track of time, without really thinking about it. All we have to do is remember an exact moment in time. A moment when everything was perfect, or when your whole world crumbled to ruins.
But mistakes mark out time. They make life better or worse, but we still make them. Intentionally or not; it’s completely in our own hands. So when we fail at something, it’s incredibly our own faults. No one else’s, just us.
Just the sole reason it happened in the first place. Whether we decide to take responsibility for the endless list of mistakes is up to us. Yet every time we look into the mirror we’re confronted with the truth: We are the ones to blame. It’s not our family; it’s not our friends; it’s our faults.
For trusting, loving, and taking advantage of the good things that sustain us. Of course, though, we’re not the only ones along for the ride so we have to remember, to be careful who we judge; who we hurt; and who we figuratively rip to shreds, because if we don’t, we’re the ones who internally combust from the pain that we cause ourselves.
I guess when it all comes down to it; it’s not time or love that’s the time bomb. No, really it’s us. We are the time bombs.
With every mistake we make we get more lost in a labyrinth of, “yes’s,” “no’s,” and, “I could care less”’s. And that’s the beauty of it because you never know if you’re going to win or fail or worse yet fail epically.
But when it all boils down to it, mistakes count our time. Birthdays, anniversaries, and funerals have nothing to do with anything. Because when you boil everything down you only get the mistakes and the person that caused it all. You.
And it’s funny because everyone says go to sleep. Though, for me dreaming is a concept that eludes me. We close our eyes and… dream?? That makes no sense. Oh! And another thing… we say a love lost is a love remembered. A love remembered is a hope gone. A hope gone is a tear that forms. A tear that forms is the beginning of a waterfall affect.
Nothing makes more sense to me than a color. It can mean anything you want it to be. A dream unrealized; a road less traveled; or a love that stopped caring. We say all these things, but we don’t at the same time. It confuses most people because when we leave, do we really leave a legacy, or is everything we ever worked for lost and erased?
I wrote this last night:
I lay here in the dark.
Hoping for an answer.
A reason for this feeling.
A reason for this caper.
A trip to the secret place
No one else knows.
A vision of a seaside
Where happiness is known.
A picture on a dresser
Left as a constant reminder
Of summers past
And rainy days
Of nights you’ll forever treasure.
An endless list of don’ts
Continue in their forming
A miraculous comeback
A new love that’s conjoining.
The line of things
You left unsaid
In a neat like of white
Inhaled by a space cadet type
Of an overwhelming kind.
Yet no one knows
The truth.
Who I really am
I’m a talking Rubik’s cube,
Making nothing
Holding nothing
Being nothing
That’s what I am.
No one
Really cares
No one
Fights for me
No one
Is here.
I’m alone in a studio
Nothing but me.
I reach out
To touch
The sea of empty windows
That floods the room with dim light
That’s somehow blinding me.
I’m quick to draw a picture
-Quick to draw a knife.
The words that I speak
Are nothing
But white noise
No one
Seems to care
No one
Is around.
Everyone’s too busy
With their lives
They all adore
And I’m left
Waiting on the other side
Of this white oak door.
Standing in the cold
Freezing in the threshold.
Huddling from the chill
I see a taxi coming
But then decide to walk.
I don’t feel like listening
As the friendly man talks.
I turn around the corner
Heading back home
And then I decide
To go to Central Park.
Sure it’s dark
And sure it’s snowing
But no one will ever
Think to find me there.
My apartment is
Still there
When I return
Just the way I left it
Nothing overturned.
As I check my cell
For missed calls
And cling to the hope
That is naïve and uncalled for.
I’m not too upset
When I see no one
I check my house phone
Just to be sure.
It’s just me here
In this closed up space
I realize now
No one would care
If I vanished without a trace.
There comes a time in our lives when we realize we can’t do everything on our own. We need help.
Sometimes we’re left in the dark for awhile before we finally see the reason we fell or the reason we lost.
For most it’s too high expectations. And then there are some who just lose. The losers.
But then, as if by sheer dumb luck, we focus and strive for the one thing no one expects us to go for. We run toward it like it’s the only thing other than ourselves in this world.
Tunnel vision.
Yet sometimes, it’s crazy to think there is such thing as that thing we’re too afraid to want. Because that would mean we have to trust another person, and we’re far too selfish and introverted to do that. Yes, we want to prove them wrong; and yes, we want that thing so bad; but yet, no, we don’t want to feel the pain we feel when no one recognizes us or when the person we love doesn’t love us back, or worse never loved us to begin with.
And then when the thing we want with the fire –that’s too beautiful to look or move away from, and yet is so hot it puts us up in flames –dies with the one who caused it in the first place, we crumble.
Our hearts bleed because they don’t know what else to do. We feel so alone because we were lost –or rather someplace –and no one even thought to find us.
And that is what kills us. The kiss of death. Nothing more, nothing less… just fear. Fear is our caper. Fear is the one thing that keeps us from trying and still pushes us farther than anything we ever knew. Fear is the reason for withdrawal.
What do u fear?
Life isn’t always as it is in the books, songs, and movies. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I’d say it was almost a parallel universe. Something made up to help us cope with such tragedy.
I guess it’s just the way the rocks fall and the waves crash against the shore. The way you feel when you see a sunset off a beach or a sunrise in the country. Never knowing what awaits you ahead.
The danger people warn you about, but you ignore. The reasons behind decisions and the mechanics of a heart untouched and still kept feebly intact.
No one ever really knows how long you have. It’s never really certain. Just the fact that nothing is set in stone scares most people. I should know. I’m one of them. And though I’m condemned to fear, no one can tell the difference.
I’m pompous, conceited, and inconsiderate at times. The only people who see this side of me though, are the ones I have a differentiated connection with.
When I’m alone, I like to sit and think about everything. From where I’ve been to where I’m going; who I’ve loved to who’s loved me. Sometimes even, I’ll stray from the happiness and tumble blindly into the dark, and think about whom I’ve lost and sad memories about funerals and last goodbyes. Farewells.
Then there are times, even in the same breath, where I contradict what I think, feel, and know.
It’s funny how life works like that. I’ve gone from eating nothing to eating everyday. Without incident of need or desire for regurgitation. I’ve gone from drinking massive amounts of coffee to drinking none.
I don’t really know very much about life situations, like boyfriend/girlfriend problems or haircuts and styles. Sure I can tell you about anything educational or sports wise, but does it really matter?
We work our butts off for twelve years to go to a fancy college, but do we really know our priorities? What I used to think was fist is now last and vice versa.
Ever since a friend of mine’s death shortly before school started, I’ve been wondering how I ever was without him. Pathetic, right? I can’t remember my life before someone I’ve only known for three years. I assume that’s what happens when you care about someone or something so much, you forget about life before it; and then after, you’re left with a broken life.
Everyone sees the change in me. Last year I was this happy-go-lucky-I-have-all-I-could-ever-want girl. Now? I’m a girl I don’t even recognize. Most days I don’t even look in the mirror anymore. I’m too afraid of what new sights I’ll see. But there are times I slip up and actually look. I see a girl who’s growing up, and is contemplating the moves she’ll make. Someone who’s stuck in a game of chess, where she’s the queen and she sends pawns, knights, and bishops out to protect her.
Funny isn’t it? One day a girl like me who can have whatever her little heart desires is happy and content, and the next she’s just lost and dishearted.
I don’t really know what told me at first, but I know now what I’d been trying so hard not to admit. I’m not who I want to be, now or ever. But at the same time I don’t want to change it.
Coming from a family, who used to go to church every Sunday, to not going at all, is hard on a person. I guess no one really ever thinks that maybe it’s just a phase or maybe they’re imagining things. I wish I knew, but unfortunately I don’t.
But I found out if you want something, take it. Don’t ask, don’t tell. In most cases that’s what has to be done. If you want love you’ll take it in any form. Whether it is a hug or a smirk. You take it as a they-like-me-enough-for-a-reaction type thing. If you want to be happy, you smile and think happy thoughts. Pretty soon they’ll sustain you and you’ll become happy.
Yet of course our lives come crumbling down when we make a mistake.
Mistakes are funny sometimes. They make you think. The biggest one I ever made was trusting a guy I though would never in a million years leave. It’s funny, a million years turned out to be one year, seventy-five days, one hour, eleven minutes and fifty-eight seconds.
It’s strange how we can keep track of time, without really thinking about it. All we have to do is remember an exact moment in time. A moment when everything was perfect, or when your whole world crumbled to ruins.
But mistakes mark out time. They make life better or worse, but we still make them. Intentionally or not; it’s completely in our own hands. So when we fail at something, it’s incredibly our own faults. No one else’s, just us.
Just the sole reason it happened in the first place. Whether we decide to take responsibility for the endless list of mistakes is up to us. Yet every time we look into the mirror we’re confronted with the truth: We are the ones to blame. It’s not our family; it’s not our friends; it’s our faults.
For trusting, loving, and taking advantage of the good things that sustain us. Of course, though, we’re not the only ones along for the ride so we have to remember, to be careful who we judge; who we hurt; and who we figuratively rip to shreds, because if we don’t, we’re the ones who internally combust from the pain that we cause ourselves.
I guess when it all comes down to it; it’s not time or love that’s the time bomb. No, really it’s us. We are the time bombs.
With every mistake we make we get more lost in a labyrinth of, “yes’s,” “no’s,” and, “I could care less”’s. And that’s the beauty of it because you never know if you’re going to win or fail or worse yet fail epically.
But when it all boils down to it, mistakes count our time. Birthdays, anniversaries, and funerals have nothing to do with anything. Because when you boil everything down you only get the mistakes and the person that caused it all. You.
And it’s funny because everyone says go to sleep. Though, for me dreaming is a concept that eludes me. We close our eyes and… dream?? That makes no sense. Oh! And another thing… we say a love lost is a love remembered. A love remembered is a hope gone. A hope gone is a tear that forms. A tear that forms is the beginning of a waterfall affect.
Nothing makes more sense to me than a color. It can mean anything you want it to be. A dream unrealized; a road less traveled; or a love that stopped caring. We say all these things, but we don’t at the same time. It confuses most people because when we leave, do we really leave a legacy, or is everything we ever worked for lost and erased?
I wrote this last night:
I lay here in the dark.
Hoping for an answer.
A reason for this feeling.
A reason for this caper.
A trip to the secret place
No one else knows.
A vision of a seaside
Where happiness is known.
A picture on a dresser
Left as a constant reminder
Of summers past
And rainy days
Of nights you’ll forever treasure.
An endless list of don’ts
Continue in their forming
A miraculous comeback
A new love that’s conjoining.
The line of things
You left unsaid
In a neat like of white
Inhaled by a space cadet type
Of an overwhelming kind.
Yet no one knows
The truth.
Who I really am
I’m a talking Rubik’s cube,
Making nothing
Holding nothing
Being nothing
That’s what I am.
No one
Really cares
No one
Fights for me
No one
Is here.
I’m alone in a studio
Nothing but me.
I reach out
To touch
The sea of empty windows
That floods the room with dim light
That’s somehow blinding me.
I’m quick to draw a picture
-Quick to draw a knife.
The words that I speak
Are nothing
But white noise
No one
Seems to care
No one
Is around.
Everyone’s too busy
With their lives
They all adore
And I’m left
Waiting on the other side
Of this white oak door.
Standing in the cold
Freezing in the threshold.
Huddling from the chill
I see a taxi coming
But then decide to walk.
I don’t feel like listening
As the friendly man talks.
I turn around the corner
Heading back home
And then I decide
To go to Central Park.
Sure it’s dark
And sure it’s snowing
But no one will ever
Think to find me there.
My apartment is
Still there
When I return
Just the way I left it
Nothing overturned.
As I check my cell
For missed calls
And cling to the hope
That is naïve and uncalled for.
I’m not too upset
When I see no one
I check my house phone
Just to be sure.
It’s just me here
In this closed up space
I realize now
No one would care
If I vanished without a trace.
There comes a time in our lives when we realize we can’t do everything on our own. We need help.
Sometimes we’re left in the dark for awhile before we finally see the reason we fell or the reason we lost.
For most it’s too high expectations. And then there are some who just lose. The losers.
But then, as if by sheer dumb luck, we focus and strive for the one thing no one expects us to go for. We run toward it like it’s the only thing other than ourselves in this world.
Tunnel vision.
Yet sometimes, it’s crazy to think there is such thing as that thing we’re too afraid to want. Because that would mean we have to trust another person, and we’re far too selfish and introverted to do that. Yes, we want to prove them wrong; and yes, we want that thing so bad; but yet, no, we don’t want to feel the pain we feel when no one recognizes us or when the person we love doesn’t love us back, or worse never loved us to begin with.
And then when the thing we want with the fire –that’s too beautiful to look or move away from, and yet is so hot it puts us up in flames –dies with the one who caused it in the first place, we crumble.
Our hearts bleed because they don’t know what else to do. We feel so alone because we were lost –or rather someplace –and no one even thought to find us.
And that is what kills us. The kiss of death. Nothing more, nothing less… just fear. Fear is our caper. Fear is the one thing that keeps us from trying and still pushes us farther than anything we ever knew. Fear is the reason for withdrawal.
What do u fear?
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