new

There's this tree I pass everyday to and from school. To anyone it's just a tree, but to me it's a constant reminder that I haven't been who I know is me. You see, this tree marks the spot on the road I live on where I lost myself.

This tree marks the place where I was most unlike myself. It shows me that, yes, people make mistakes, but we can pull a one-eighty and just as quickly prove everyone wrong.

Not more than a half a block further down is this streetlight where I first did something that made me feel. I opened up to a guy who I thought loved me -or rather as he put it "cared"- but I like to think love as in LYLAF (love you like a friend).

Then just off of my old street is the old house where just outside I talked to him for the first time. He was funny and just his breathing made me feel better than I ever was. Then he understood when my phone died.

Now that he's gone, I don't know, I guess, I have a void. I guess that's fine, but I don't want it. I guess I'm afraid I won't be who I'm supposed to be without there being a guy in my life. Yes, I do however, know how shallow and superficial that sounds, but it's true.

I don't really know why this is. But I'm starting to see the older you get, the easier it is and the larger scale people lie to you. When you're younger they tell you things like, "babies come from the stork," and, "its okay to eat mud." But then you get older and the lies get worse, and that is what gets me. How can people so easily lie to you?

Don't they have a conscience?

But it gets me that I have all these people involved in my life, how many are lying to me?

I have this crazy dream that no one seems to think I can make a reality. I want nothing more than to prove them wrong.

I know this feeling all too well because I get the same feeling when I run. I was always told I can't; I can't run; I can't beat the boys; I can't dive. But really I can.

I don't really know how I got where I am. I like to think I woke up one morning and just was; like I just became me overnight. Although, I know this isn't true, I like to believe it.

There's this never-ending story that no one seems to want to tell. But for me, it's all I want. I want to capture this moment and every one after it and before it. I want everyone to feel exactly what I feel because they can. I want to wake up in the morning and know that nothing bad is going to happen.

I know this is a lot to ask. But for this year of mine to be complete, I want to know that I will never have to sink and hit rock bottom because I want be able to love someone. But in order for me to love someone, I have to trust. I guess for me that's the problem, because in order for me to trust someone I have to risk everything.

Risk my life. Risk my priorities. Risk me.

I guess for everyone to love someone we have to be willing and able to fall or for some- crash into love. No one wants to get hurt, and no one wants to lose, but the only one's that lose are the ones who were too afraid to try.

While yes, I'll admit I don't always say what I want, I know my priorities. I know that when a guy comes ahead of your family –no matter how bad they are- your friends –no matter how much they hate you- your religion –no matter how early you have to get up on a Sunday- and worst yet, your passion; you can't honestly be honest with anyone, not even yourself.

It's funny, but sometimes I think about the things that keep me closed off from people who have nothing to do with the pain and heartache I felt and still feel, and can't imagine how they could possibly understand.

Truthfully, I don't think anyone could ever understand, because if they did, that would mean that they care enough to listen. I know they say, "the past can't define us, we only have now," but it does. The past means everything to us. It's the history that we have to learn; the history of our families; and the reasons we feel the way we do.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "The only thing worse than gaining your heart's desire is losing it," or something like that. He's wrong. If you lose your heart's desire, then yes, it's going to hurt, but that only makes you want to fight harder for it.

There's this force that drives us. It keeps us going because if we stop, we know it's over. And no one wants that.

I have no idea where I'm going, but I know where I want to go, and I know my priorities. I guess everyone wants and needs someone there to get it, but sadly there are times in our lives when there's something that they're not going to get.

With me, it's how a person can care one second, and then the next just not. I don't get how we can so easily change like nothing happened. I don't get how a family can be functional and yet desert the person who doesn't fit. And I don't get how people can open up so easily and not worry about getting hurt.

While there are a million things I will never possibly get, I see the beauty in the reasons behind everything. The reason we let go; the reason we hang on; the reason we wander aimlessly and don't seem to know how we got here.

I was always told I am the exception; the one who doesn't fit a mold because the mold is me. I don't really see it.

It's strange for me because with everything I just said, I'm more afraid of being alone. Tennessee Williams once wrote: "To be lonely in a world where all are lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." I love this quote because for me it means that yes, you're alone, but you're not lonely alone.

What drives you?
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The beauty of it all is the fact that someone cares. They care enough to ask how you are; to ask what's wrong. When someone cares you're on top of the world. Then, when they stop… you just fall; and fall; and fall.

And you keep falling hoping someone will catch you. After awhile you stop hoping and just let yourself fall.

I've always been told I put way too much though into things. Just ask my coaches, they'll tell you…. "She holds back because she's afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"I don't know. You'll just have to ask her."

And that's the thing; there are so many things I'm afraid of: losing myself; failing; and perhaps the biggest one of all… I'm afraid of letting other people down. I'm too afraid of not making everyone else happy that sometimes I end up making myself unhappy.

But those people that lee me I've been putting too much thought into things; well, here's how I put it: When you stop thought, you stop thinking. When you stop thinking, you get lost. When you get lost, you fear. When you fear, the fears you fear become bigger. When your fears become big enough, they engulf you. When that happens... you're dead.

I'm an introverted person and normally that's bad; but in my case- I'm better for it. I can help people because I can think and respond in less time because I'm prepared.

Everyone hates me. I guess it's because I hate myself, but… is it too much to ask to just have one person that just…. I don't know, loves me?

Today's Thanksgiving, and while everyone is happy and being thankful; I don't see the point. I lost everything that ever had meaning. Everyone I know thinks I need therapy, but I'm the only one who doesn't.

I guess in this case: majority rules. *shrug*

I hate that rule. What if everyone is just going along with it because they know the cooler person's voting in a certain way? What then?

It's just so mind-boggling. :lol: That's a funny word: mind-boggling.
Last night at practice I totally whomped (sorry Coach Wesendunk L) I spent like an hour on my forward somersault, and STILL didn't get it. This totally freaks me out because right before the first meet I did the forward somersault perfectly… or close, I at least did the dive without under- or over-rotating.

Now there's this crazy silence in my brain like nothing's going on, yet I know that's not the case. I know there's a million things going through my mind at once.

I think it's strange that we, as humans, can redo a lot of things, but we can't redo ourselves. We can redo our room, wardrobe and attitude; but we can't redo our actions. It's just creepy.

I've learned something this break… You can trust yourself or not, but the choice isn't always yours when it comes to trusting others. When they let you down –which they always do- you only have yourself to blame.

Are you an existentialist?


Words mean a lot. They can make or break a person. But when they break you, it's like a flesh-eating virus: It spreads.

Lately, it seems the more things change, the more they really stay the same because the only thing that's staying the same is the thing that's changing.

Words can build trust. For every word he ever said, I trusted him a thousand times more. For every word he didn't say I lost myself a little more. For every breath and every break he took, I longed to hear a familiar voice, and it never will come again.

I keep trying to tell him, " I need to hear you say it, " because with me, if I don't hear it, I don't believe it. If I don't believe it, I don't let go. If I don't let go, I get hurt.

I tried to tell him how I feel, but the words would never come out. I tried to tell him how much his words help or hurt me, but the words never came.

Truth? Words mean the world to me. Words mean the world to someone, and when you take them away, it's like depriving them of oxygen and then sadistically watching as they die slowly.

With every right I took, he was there, and then when I mad a few lefts, I felt him let go slowly. Then the final left I made, he let go completely. But I guess I deserve it, right?

Ultimately, I have the only thing I need and that's life, but sometimes life gets unbearable, and you need to share it with someone or you'll implode. But when I did, I ended up getting hurt, and I know it was my fault, but how much is too much of your life to share?
I didn't want to lie to him, so when I this whole other situation blew up in my face, I ask his opinion; and now I wish I hadn't; Because that asking of his opinion made him run, and I'm sorry.

But with all the words that are flooding my mind, I can't seem to make the right statement that'll make it all okay. So when he said he couldn't do this anymore, he hoped I'd understand, I stupidly said, "It's okay I totally understand. I'm glad you were honest with me," knowing that I wanted to say, "Why? It's not like we're in a 'relationship'" I know I'd sound like a whore to him, but that's what I should have said. I didn't an now I'm suffering.

Words impact more than you think.

What have you said recently that you wish you could take back?


Limitation
Verse one:
Sitting in my room
Trying to breathe life
Into the words
I write onto the paper
No luck
No luck.

Holding back as I
Try to search my brain
Angered slightly
Why can't these words find
Me?
Try one more time
Try to find who I am.

Chorus:
There are seven dwarves
There are open doors.
Each one of them is closing.
There is a catastrophe.
I forgot an apostrophe
On my words.
Spinning around slowly
Don't want to get sick.
I'm over it.
Not over you.
I'm under someone else's
Finger.
Is that okay with
You?

Verse two:
Hiding every mark
Trying to start over.
No reason why.
I have nothing on
That will brace me
For the cold wind
Of November.
My coat's in my house
My skin s goose bitten
Now.

(chorus)

Bridge:
Too bad
If it's
Not
Okay.
(sorry I'm done with you)
Too late
For us to be
(so you can let go of me)
I'm through with these
Limitations
I'm over the sweet exclamations
You made.
Not tied down to you
Not lost in the blue of your eyes.
Not this time.

(chorus)


When he died, I though my world was falling apart. I thought everything I had died along with him. Then he game me meaning.

I guess his death and his betrayal was some sort of motor. I heard through the grapevine that I'm good enough to make it to State. I don't know though.

Things I want for next year.
1. To drop down to 117.
2. To drive
3. To love
4. To meet someone who makes me feel
5. To impact someone else's life
6. To live
7. To get a perfect on the SAT & ACT
8. To make money to buy what I want
9. To volunteer.
10. To talk to him again.

There's this moment; it only happens very rarely, but it's there –when everything seems perfect. And though we know, it isn't perfect, we're fine with that. You see, because we build our world on the false pretense that we're going to be the best, we suffer.

There will always be someone who is better than us.

You can't force love because if you do, you get hurt. This is so because you create something that isn't love as love; and that thing leaves, well so do you.

People change.

If there's anything that anyone learns from me I want it to be this: People change. Yes, they may seem like your knight in shining armor, but fairytales are overrated. That farce and that illusion vanish after awhile, and you don't see what you thought you saw.

Lately, it seems like no one's really listening. I mean of course they say they are, but I know better than to believe that. With certain people you can tell almost immediately because they get this glazed over look in their eyes; while others… are difficult.

What does family mean to you? To me it's just a... word, because my family hurts me… emotionally… no need to call DSS... jeez. They say they don't but I won't lie. There are times when I just don't want it anymore, and there are times when I want to run and never come back (some would say that's what I'm doing by going to boarding school), but I don't because I have other responsibilities.

There's this quote I once came across that said, "All are architects of fate." I love tis quote because while, yes, I am a Christian, it gives me hope that I have control too. It means that I can control my destiny because I can choose. I have free will.

Free will. It's funny because on this forum I help moderate, we had the same topic: Do we really have free will? I said that we do, because we have the choice to obey God, or not. Then it was said that God knows all so He knows what we're going to do and if we had free will and went against Him that would mean HE was wrong, and He's never wrong. My rebuttal was that He can change His mind, and also change the path He trekked out for each of us,. Yes we have free will because even if we go against Him, He is never wrong because He reserved the right to change His mind.

One of my favorite songs is by Far-Less; It's called, "A toast to bad Taste." There's this part in it where it says, "Just like the lion and the lamb/ But only in real life./ you won't see, hunter and prey/ polluting the same space/ ooo-afraid to go/ ooo-but I can't speak for myself//" I guess we're all afraid to go because in all actuality, we're all the prey in some sense, but we're all also the hunter in a sense because we're looking for something that isn't there…. And it's: validation.

Further on in the song it's said, "you can't see the lives that we lead/ when you've lost your will to be." This is true because when you lose all meaning the only thing you CAN see is the things YOU'VE done wrong; words you never said; good deeds you left unrewarded.

What's the one thing you wish you could change?

old and creepy nursery rhymes

A man of words and not of deeds, is like a garden full ofweeds;And when the weeds begin to grow, its like a garden full of snow;And when the snow begins to fall, its like a bird upon the wall;And when the bird away does fly, its like an eagle in the sky;And when the sky begins to roar, its like a lion at your door;And when your door begins to crack, its like a stick across you back;And when your back begins to smart, its like a penknife in yourheart;And when your heart begins to bleed, your dead and dead and deadindeed.

Goodbye means nothing at all....

We learn countless lessons from our lives-more than we know. We just feed off other people’s energy. When others are happy, we’re happy. When someone weeps, we share a tissue. When someone dies we comfort those who mourn and laugh about the happy memories.

Life isn’t always as it is in the books, songs, and movies. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I’d say it was almost a parallel universe. Something made up to help us cope with such tragedy.

I guess it’s just the way the rocks fall and the waves crash against the shore. The way you feel when you see a sunset off a beach or a sunrise in the country. Never knowing what awaits you ahead.

The danger people warn you about, but you ignore. The reasons behind decisions and the mechanics of a heart untouched and still kept feebly intact.

No one ever really knows how long you have. It’s never really certain. Just the fact that nothing is set in stone scares most people. I should know. I’m one of them. And though I’m condemned to fear, no one can tell the difference.

I’m pompous, conceited, and inconsiderate at times. The only people who see this side of me though, are the ones I have a differentiated connection with.

When I’m alone, I like to sit and think about everything. From where I’ve been to where I’m going; who I’ve loved to who’s loved me. Sometimes even, I’ll stray from the happiness and tumble blindly into the dark, and think about whom I’ve lost and sad memories about funerals and last goodbyes. Farewells.

Then there are times, even in the same breath, where I contradict what I think, feel, and know.

It’s funny how life works like that. I’ve gone from eating nothing to eating everyday. Without incident of need or desire for regurgitation. I’ve gone from drinking massive amounts of coffee to drinking none.

I don’t really know very much about life situations, like boyfriend/girlfriend problems or haircuts and styles. Sure I can tell you about anything educational or sports wise, but does it really matter?

We work our butts off for twelve years to go to a fancy college, but do we really know our priorities? What I used to think was fist is now last and vice versa.

Ever since a friend of mine’s death shortly before school started, I’ve been wondering how I ever was without him. Pathetic, right? I can’t remember my life before someone I’ve only known for three years. I assume that’s what happens when you care about someone or something so much, you forget about life before it; and then after, you’re left with a broken life.

Everyone sees the change in me. Last year I was this happy-go-lucky-I-have-all-I-could-ever-want girl. Now? I’m a girl I don’t even recognize. Most days I don’t even look in the mirror anymore. I’m too afraid of what new sights I’ll see. But there are times I slip up and actually look. I see a girl who’s growing up, and is contemplating the moves she’ll make. Someone who’s stuck in a game of chess, where she’s the queen and she sends pawns, knights, and bishops out to protect her.

Funny isn’t it? One day a girl like me who can have whatever her little heart desires is happy and content, and the next she’s just lost and dishearted.

I don’t really know what told me at first, but I know now what I’d been trying so hard not to admit. I’m not who I want to be, now or ever. But at the same time I don’t want to change it.

Coming from a family, who used to go to church every Sunday, to not going at all, is hard on a person. I guess no one really ever thinks that maybe it’s just a phase or maybe they’re imagining things. I wish I knew, but unfortunately I don’t.

But I found out if you want something, take it. Don’t ask, don’t tell. In most cases that’s what has to be done. If you want love you’ll take it in any form. Whether it is a hug or a smirk. You take it as a they-like-me-enough-for-a-reaction type thing. If you want to be happy, you smile and think happy thoughts. Pretty soon they’ll sustain you and you’ll become happy.

Yet of course our lives come crumbling down when we make a mistake.

Mistakes are funny sometimes. They make you think. The biggest one I ever made was trusting a guy I though would never in a million years leave. It’s funny, a million years turned out to be one year, seventy-five days, one hour, eleven minutes and fifty-eight seconds.

It’s strange how we can keep track of time, without really thinking about it. All we have to do is remember an exact moment in time. A moment when everything was perfect, or when your whole world crumbled to ruins.

But mistakes mark out time. They make life better or worse, but we still make them. Intentionally or not; it’s completely in our own hands. So when we fail at something, it’s incredibly our own faults. No one else’s, just us.

Just the sole reason it happened in the first place. Whether we decide to take responsibility for the endless list of mistakes is up to us. Yet every time we look into the mirror we’re confronted with the truth: We are the ones to blame. It’s not our family; it’s not our friends; it’s our faults.

For trusting, loving, and taking advantage of the good things that sustain us. Of course, though, we’re not the only ones along for the ride so we have to remember, to be careful who we judge; who we hurt; and who we figuratively rip to shreds, because if we don’t, we’re the ones who internally combust from the pain that we cause ourselves.

I guess when it all comes down to it; it’s not time or love that’s the time bomb. No, really it’s us. We are the time bombs.

With every mistake we make we get more lost in a labyrinth of, “yes’s,” “no’s,” and, “I could care less”’s. And that’s the beauty of it because you never know if you’re going to win or fail or worse yet fail epically.

But when it all boils down to it, mistakes count our time. Birthdays, anniversaries, and funerals have nothing to do with anything. Because when you boil everything down you only get the mistakes and the person that caused it all. You.

And it’s funny because everyone says go to sleep. Though, for me dreaming is a concept that eludes me. We close our eyes and… dream?? That makes no sense. Oh! And another thing… we say a love lost is a love remembered. A love remembered is a hope gone. A hope gone is a tear that forms. A tear that forms is the beginning of a waterfall affect.

Nothing makes more sense to me than a color. It can mean anything you want it to be. A dream unrealized; a road less traveled; or a love that stopped caring. We say all these things, but we don’t at the same time. It confuses most people because when we leave, do we really leave a legacy, or is everything we ever worked for lost and erased?

I wrote this last night:

I lay here in the dark.
Hoping for an answer.
A reason for this feeling.
A reason for this caper.

A trip to the secret place
No one else knows.
A vision of a seaside
Where happiness is known.

A picture on a dresser
Left as a constant reminder
Of summers past
And rainy days
Of nights you’ll forever treasure.

An endless list of don’ts
Continue in their forming
A miraculous comeback
A new love that’s conjoining.

The line of things
You left unsaid
In a neat like of white
Inhaled by a space cadet type
Of an overwhelming kind.

Yet no one knows
The truth.
Who I really am
I’m a talking Rubik’s cube,
Making nothing
Holding nothing
Being nothing
That’s what I am.

No one
Really cares
No one
Fights for me
No one
Is here.

I’m alone in a studio
Nothing but me.
I reach out
To touch
The sea of empty windows
That floods the room with dim light
That’s somehow blinding me.

I’m quick to draw a picture
-Quick to draw a knife.
The words that I speak
Are nothing
But white noise
No one
Seems to care
No one
Is around.

Everyone’s too busy
With their lives
They all adore
And I’m left
Waiting on the other side
Of this white oak door.

Standing in the cold
Freezing in the threshold.
Huddling from the chill
I see a taxi coming
But then decide to walk.
I don’t feel like listening
As the friendly man talks.

I turn around the corner
Heading back home
And then I decide
To go to Central Park.

Sure it’s dark
And sure it’s snowing
But no one will ever
Think to find me there.

My apartment is
Still there
When I return
Just the way I left it
Nothing overturned.

As I check my cell
For missed calls
And cling to the hope
That is naïve and uncalled for.

I’m not too upset
When I see no one
I check my house phone
Just to be sure.

It’s just me here
In this closed up space
I realize now
No one would care
If I vanished without a trace.

There comes a time in our lives when we realize we can’t do everything on our own. We need help.

Sometimes we’re left in the dark for awhile before we finally see the reason we fell or the reason we lost.

For most it’s too high expectations. And then there are some who just lose. The losers.

But then, as if by sheer dumb luck, we focus and strive for the one thing no one expects us to go for. We run toward it like it’s the only thing other than ourselves in this world.

Tunnel vision.

Yet sometimes, it’s crazy to think there is such thing as that thing we’re too afraid to want. Because that would mean we have to trust another person, and we’re far too selfish and introverted to do that. Yes, we want to prove them wrong; and yes, we want that thing so bad; but yet, no, we don’t want to feel the pain we feel when no one recognizes us or when the person we love doesn’t love us back, or worse never loved us to begin with.

And then when the thing we want with the fire –that’s too beautiful to look or move away from, and yet is so hot it puts us up in flames –dies with the one who caused it in the first place, we crumble.

Our hearts bleed because they don’t know what else to do. We feel so alone because we were lost –or rather someplace –and no one even thought to find us.

And that is what kills us. The kiss of death. Nothing more, nothing less… just fear. Fear is our caper. Fear is the one thing that keeps us from trying and still pushes us farther than anything we ever knew. Fear is the reason for withdrawal.

What do u fear?

things that I've started but haven't finished

Hey party people. I think personally I am an enigma, my mind isn't but I am. It's strange when you figure it out for yourself. I do really skanky things apparently and I'm just now getting the memo.. lol it's like it got stuck in the snail mail system and no one decided to tell me. It sucks but what can you do.

Turns out there are a lot of things that suck more than sucking 2 dozen lemons on a hot day when there's no water and you can't drink anything but you're own spit because you're in the middle of the desert or just rather someplace that has people that are so rude they won't even spare a glass of water.... I need to stop before an english major or teacher stumbles across this and then red slips me for run on sentences... *sigh*

so I'm going to go off topic right now, I'm listening to Placebo and it's really depressing.. don't go there unless u want to die.. *sigh* and no tsk tsk tsk I dont want to I'm just listening to random music.. You lying trying waste of space.. lol.. whatever... LOOOOVVVEEE RADIOHEAD!!!!!

Back to the topics at hand.

I recently endured a tragic event, and I got over it b/c the person involved should be encountered byt some divers.. lol.. thanks people for your support. Anyway....

It's funny because people always say they're lost. Well really clearly you're not lost.. someone just hasn't found you. My choice of places to be found in nowadays it barcelona. It seems like the best place to go. It's mild and not sweaty gag me hot, it's beautiful and it has this rich art and architecture that is incomparable.. I love it. so then all i have to do now is find someone who wants to flee to Barcelona with nothing but a toothbrush and a passport... *sigh* yeah right, no one's as out going as I am.. psh, please....

I just realized that the majority of the situtions I get myself into involving love and such is really just love because I create it as love in the first place. I guess I didn't see the planets because I was staring at the sun... huh, that makes a lot of sense. The guy is the sun and I was too busy looking at him to get the big picture which would be the planets.. lol make sense.. no? too bad! lol

I just forgot what I was saying..... Um.... hmmmm......... i don't know what I was just saying... lol xD. Um, so.... I guess I have to go to Barcelona soon...

well seeing as how I can't remember what I was saying.... I guess I have to go.. *sigh* this sucks.. if and when I remember it, I'll post it.. lol.. okay? thanks...

L8rs ;-)

double double old ladies are trouble

So okay, here's some updates... I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind right now....

First, does everyone just want to see me get into the most ludicrous situations possible?

Sometimes I run; no clear destination, I just... go. I don't need to know where I'm going, I just need to run. It's this big release that I have that makes me feel just like a lot of girls need to shop, well I need to run. Running is my sense of release. It makes me feel good and not think about all this crap I have going on. It's freeing.

You can depend on me to tell you what you need to hear. I promise.

ambition is the most imortant thing because without it, we have nothing. The more things stay the same, the more they change.

Okay well this may have been one of the shortest posts I've had, but it's okay. I'll keep posting, but I STGTG.. xD l8rs

Do the helen Keller and talk with your hips

okay so I love this song by 3 Oh! 3 it's so AWESOME!!! I love the vid too.. those lucky few got the email and got the vid, so yeah it's epic. I love it.. okay well the part of the song that goes..

Shush girl shut your lips,Do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips.I said, Shush girl shut your lips,Do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips.I said, Shush girl shut your lips,Do the Hellen Keller and talk with your hips.Woah, woah, woah...She wants to touch me (Woah),She wants to love me (Woah),She'll never leave me (Woah, woah, oh, oh),Don't trust a ho,Never trust a ho,Won't trust a ho,Won't trust me

I love this song especially this part it's epic! Check it out! 3 Oh! 3 rule!