What it's like for me...

Wonderful- Everclear
"Hey, ain't life wonderful? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful... Isn't everything wonderful now?"

I close my eyes when I get too sad
I think thoughts that I know are bad
Close my eyes and I count to ten
Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before
Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door
I wish I could count to ten
Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad
Will figure out why they get so mad
Hear them scream, I hear them fight
They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed
And I dream of angels who make me smile
I feel better when I hear them say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world's so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play
I tell the kids that it's all okay
I laugh aloud so my friends won't know
When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes
I make believe that I have a new life
I don't believe you when you say
Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little
And the world is so big
I just don't understand how
You can smile with all those tears in your eyes
When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
No
No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say
That I will understand someday

No, no, no, no
I don't wanna hear you say
You both have grown in a different way

No, no, no, no
I don't wanna meet your friends
And I don't wanna start over againI just want my life to be the same
Just like it used to be
Some days I hate everything
I hate everything
Everyone and everything
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now
I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now
Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

everything is wonderful now
now. now.
everything is wonderful now"

you broke my heart, i'm taking it back from you

Have you ever felt like you've been kicked in the gut? The feeling of helplessness as u gasp for air? That's how I feel right now. You see, it wasn't that I didn't feel it coming, I just didn't want to believe it would happen again. Especially not with the same person. I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. He's going to keep lying to me, breaking my heart, and pretending it never happened... C'est la vie...

the pep rally 09

The football team

Random football player

Peyton, Sam, and Morgan

Keelan

The Band

stuff from last fall lol

Is there anything left in this world that will satisfy me

I wish i could feel something. Actually feel something. I find when others are happy, I am left feeling empathetic. I walk through my neighborhood, past the twisted excuse for a tree I used to stand and talk to him. I find I don't really remember him that much anymore. A year's past since I last shed a tear over his name or even uttered it. I feel like sometimes I should have told him what I really felt. Word to the wise: always tell him what you feel.

I found my blade earlier. It's just as i remember it. Small. Compact. Clean. Cold. I put it away. The last thing I need is for someone to find it and start to ask questions.

I find its best to not think. I make myself numb. I don't want to experience the things in life that hurt. Sometimes when I think, I find my mind wanders a lot. I think about everything. I would rather not think.

So here's something...

"And I shout that you're all fake and you should have seen the look on your face. And I guess that's what it takes when comparing your bellyaches. And it's been a long time which agrees with this watch of mine. And I guess that I miss you, and I'm sorry if I dissed you"

reasons to let go of the pain

Most people will tell you to let go of the pain, but, honestly, do they really know what you feel?

If I asked you to go for a walk with me would you, even if it was raining?

If I told you I loved you, would you feel the same?

Do I care?

Do you?

And if you did care would you care enough to save me?

or would you leave me in the flames?

End of the Semester

So I just took my VOCATs exam; I think I did pretty good. I'm sitting here with a gummy worm in my mouth passing the time til 10:30 I doubt I will type that long but I guess I might as well, right?

So I'm sitting here listening to this girl next to me hum to herself and the guys in our class are playing some stupid game and I wonder if I will miss these people. The ones I have spent the last hundred days or so.... Yeah, I seriously doubt it.. Jenna's sitting over there laughing and joking and just out right freaking me out because she's talking to herself... Anders is sitting in the computer in front of me acting like a freshmen and Nick is sitting there talking to himself randomly while attacking some animal and trying to save some... nope... attacking some weird looking people on this game and he just made his person take a leak randomly.... yeah.... um?!?!?!

Espen and Ben are sitting awfully close.. oh, wait, they're listening to an Ipod... Kevin Chou is getting confused and slightly afraid because he doesn't know how to play a game.. Nicholus Waked just scratched his head and Ben Thompson is sitting there being his freshmen self.... *sigh* Connor and Taylor were playing a game.. now Taylor's hovering over Adam.... Taylor's back at his computer behind me making some sick beat with his mouth.... John Hughey is talking... Taylor sneezed and I said "Bless you" how do you say thank you in Italian? "Prego" haha I was right.... Ugh..

I guess in a sad way I will miss these people.... In a strange way... too bad I'll probably forget 'em if i move.. well that's what they make facebook for, right?

..... Awkward.... Taylor.... Strange voice.... My life

this morning

Will we ever wake up unafraid?

It's like 1000 paper cuts soaked in vinegar. Like the battles with yourself that leave you insecure.It's all just a numbing charade until the day you finally wake up and you're not afraid.

'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing... just praying to a god that I don't believe in. 'Cause I got time while he got freedom.'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even."

"What am I supposed to do, when the best part of me was always you? And what am I supposed to say, when I'm all choked up but you're okay? I'm falling to pieces. I'm falling to pieces."

"They say bad things happen for a reason. But those wise words don't stop the bleeding"

"WHEN A HEART BREAKS NO IT DON'T BREAK EVEN!!!"

I popped a blood vessel in my eye!!!!

"Nobody out there wants to understand. And nobody out there takes me as I am. I'm feeling alone here. I know there's gotta be somebody somewhere. That's all she wrote."

I'm still walking the line that leads me home

It feels like I'm alone sometimes; like no one truely understands. I believe it is because of my own choices. I seem to push everyone away. Today, while at Bible study, it hit me: I don't think I can let anyone in; truely let them into my life. I know that sounds just like any other girl, but I realize I have never trusted anyone with everything that I am. I have, recently, opened up to a few people about my problem with cutting but I seriously don't think they get it.

I don't truely know why I cut, I just know that if I stop for a little, it gets ten times worse later. I went without it for two months, and then, new years eve I did it again. I have been told numerous times it is wrong, and I mean really do you guys really doubt I know it? I know it's bad for me.

Anyway, I was sitting in Bible study and I swear I could feel like everyone could see right through my front. I didn't say anything and no one said anything.

I feel so crappy right now. I don't know whether I should do it or just sit here....

I hate my life....