new

There's this tree I pass everyday to and from school. To anyone it's just a tree, but to me it's a constant reminder that I haven't been who I know is me. You see, this tree marks the spot on the road I live on where I lost myself.

This tree marks the place where I was most unlike myself. It shows me that, yes, people make mistakes, but we can pull a one-eighty and just as quickly prove everyone wrong.

Not more than a half a block further down is this streetlight where I first did something that made me feel. I opened up to a guy who I thought loved me -or rather as he put it "cared"- but I like to think love as in LYLAF (love you like a friend).

Then just off of my old street is the old house where just outside I talked to him for the first time. He was funny and just his breathing made me feel better than I ever was. Then he understood when my phone died.

Now that he's gone, I don't know, I guess, I have a void. I guess that's fine, but I don't want it. I guess I'm afraid I won't be who I'm supposed to be without there being a guy in my life. Yes, I do however, know how shallow and superficial that sounds, but it's true.

I don't really know why this is. But I'm starting to see the older you get, the easier it is and the larger scale people lie to you. When you're younger they tell you things like, "babies come from the stork," and, "its okay to eat mud." But then you get older and the lies get worse, and that is what gets me. How can people so easily lie to you?

Don't they have a conscience?

But it gets me that I have all these people involved in my life, how many are lying to me?

I have this crazy dream that no one seems to think I can make a reality. I want nothing more than to prove them wrong.

I know this feeling all too well because I get the same feeling when I run. I was always told I can't; I can't run; I can't beat the boys; I can't dive. But really I can.

I don't really know how I got where I am. I like to think I woke up one morning and just was; like I just became me overnight. Although, I know this isn't true, I like to believe it.

There's this never-ending story that no one seems to want to tell. But for me, it's all I want. I want to capture this moment and every one after it and before it. I want everyone to feel exactly what I feel because they can. I want to wake up in the morning and know that nothing bad is going to happen.

I know this is a lot to ask. But for this year of mine to be complete, I want to know that I will never have to sink and hit rock bottom because I want be able to love someone. But in order for me to love someone, I have to trust. I guess for me that's the problem, because in order for me to trust someone I have to risk everything.

Risk my life. Risk my priorities. Risk me.

I guess for everyone to love someone we have to be willing and able to fall or for some- crash into love. No one wants to get hurt, and no one wants to lose, but the only one's that lose are the ones who were too afraid to try.

While yes, I'll admit I don't always say what I want, I know my priorities. I know that when a guy comes ahead of your family –no matter how bad they are- your friends –no matter how much they hate you- your religion –no matter how early you have to get up on a Sunday- and worst yet, your passion; you can't honestly be honest with anyone, not even yourself.

It's funny, but sometimes I think about the things that keep me closed off from people who have nothing to do with the pain and heartache I felt and still feel, and can't imagine how they could possibly understand.

Truthfully, I don't think anyone could ever understand, because if they did, that would mean that they care enough to listen. I know they say, "the past can't define us, we only have now," but it does. The past means everything to us. It's the history that we have to learn; the history of our families; and the reasons we feel the way we do.

George Bernard Shaw once wrote, "The only thing worse than gaining your heart's desire is losing it," or something like that. He's wrong. If you lose your heart's desire, then yes, it's going to hurt, but that only makes you want to fight harder for it.

There's this force that drives us. It keeps us going because if we stop, we know it's over. And no one wants that.

I have no idea where I'm going, but I know where I want to go, and I know my priorities. I guess everyone wants and needs someone there to get it, but sadly there are times in our lives when there's something that they're not going to get.

With me, it's how a person can care one second, and then the next just not. I don't get how we can so easily change like nothing happened. I don't get how a family can be functional and yet desert the person who doesn't fit. And I don't get how people can open up so easily and not worry about getting hurt.

While there are a million things I will never possibly get, I see the beauty in the reasons behind everything. The reason we let go; the reason we hang on; the reason we wander aimlessly and don't seem to know how we got here.

I was always told I am the exception; the one who doesn't fit a mold because the mold is me. I don't really see it.

It's strange for me because with everything I just said, I'm more afraid of being alone. Tennessee Williams once wrote: "To be lonely in a world where all are lonely, it would be inexcusably selfish to be lonely alone." I love this quote because for me it means that yes, you're alone, but you're not lonely alone.

What drives you?
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The beauty of it all is the fact that someone cares. They care enough to ask how you are; to ask what's wrong. When someone cares you're on top of the world. Then, when they stop… you just fall; and fall; and fall.

And you keep falling hoping someone will catch you. After awhile you stop hoping and just let yourself fall.

I've always been told I put way too much though into things. Just ask my coaches, they'll tell you…. "She holds back because she's afraid."
"Afraid of what?"
"I don't know. You'll just have to ask her."

And that's the thing; there are so many things I'm afraid of: losing myself; failing; and perhaps the biggest one of all… I'm afraid of letting other people down. I'm too afraid of not making everyone else happy that sometimes I end up making myself unhappy.

But those people that lee me I've been putting too much thought into things; well, here's how I put it: When you stop thought, you stop thinking. When you stop thinking, you get lost. When you get lost, you fear. When you fear, the fears you fear become bigger. When your fears become big enough, they engulf you. When that happens... you're dead.

I'm an introverted person and normally that's bad; but in my case- I'm better for it. I can help people because I can think and respond in less time because I'm prepared.

Everyone hates me. I guess it's because I hate myself, but… is it too much to ask to just have one person that just…. I don't know, loves me?

Today's Thanksgiving, and while everyone is happy and being thankful; I don't see the point. I lost everything that ever had meaning. Everyone I know thinks I need therapy, but I'm the only one who doesn't.

I guess in this case: majority rules. *shrug*

I hate that rule. What if everyone is just going along with it because they know the cooler person's voting in a certain way? What then?

It's just so mind-boggling. :lol: That's a funny word: mind-boggling.
Last night at practice I totally whomped (sorry Coach Wesendunk L) I spent like an hour on my forward somersault, and STILL didn't get it. This totally freaks me out because right before the first meet I did the forward somersault perfectly… or close, I at least did the dive without under- or over-rotating.

Now there's this crazy silence in my brain like nothing's going on, yet I know that's not the case. I know there's a million things going through my mind at once.

I think it's strange that we, as humans, can redo a lot of things, but we can't redo ourselves. We can redo our room, wardrobe and attitude; but we can't redo our actions. It's just creepy.

I've learned something this break… You can trust yourself or not, but the choice isn't always yours when it comes to trusting others. When they let you down –which they always do- you only have yourself to blame.

Are you an existentialist?


Words mean a lot. They can make or break a person. But when they break you, it's like a flesh-eating virus: It spreads.

Lately, it seems the more things change, the more they really stay the same because the only thing that's staying the same is the thing that's changing.

Words can build trust. For every word he ever said, I trusted him a thousand times more. For every word he didn't say I lost myself a little more. For every breath and every break he took, I longed to hear a familiar voice, and it never will come again.

I keep trying to tell him, " I need to hear you say it, " because with me, if I don't hear it, I don't believe it. If I don't believe it, I don't let go. If I don't let go, I get hurt.

I tried to tell him how I feel, but the words would never come out. I tried to tell him how much his words help or hurt me, but the words never came.

Truth? Words mean the world to me. Words mean the world to someone, and when you take them away, it's like depriving them of oxygen and then sadistically watching as they die slowly.

With every right I took, he was there, and then when I mad a few lefts, I felt him let go slowly. Then the final left I made, he let go completely. But I guess I deserve it, right?

Ultimately, I have the only thing I need and that's life, but sometimes life gets unbearable, and you need to share it with someone or you'll implode. But when I did, I ended up getting hurt, and I know it was my fault, but how much is too much of your life to share?
I didn't want to lie to him, so when I this whole other situation blew up in my face, I ask his opinion; and now I wish I hadn't; Because that asking of his opinion made him run, and I'm sorry.

But with all the words that are flooding my mind, I can't seem to make the right statement that'll make it all okay. So when he said he couldn't do this anymore, he hoped I'd understand, I stupidly said, "It's okay I totally understand. I'm glad you were honest with me," knowing that I wanted to say, "Why? It's not like we're in a 'relationship'" I know I'd sound like a whore to him, but that's what I should have said. I didn't an now I'm suffering.

Words impact more than you think.

What have you said recently that you wish you could take back?


Limitation
Verse one:
Sitting in my room
Trying to breathe life
Into the words
I write onto the paper
No luck
No luck.

Holding back as I
Try to search my brain
Angered slightly
Why can't these words find
Me?
Try one more time
Try to find who I am.

Chorus:
There are seven dwarves
There are open doors.
Each one of them is closing.
There is a catastrophe.
I forgot an apostrophe
On my words.
Spinning around slowly
Don't want to get sick.
I'm over it.
Not over you.
I'm under someone else's
Finger.
Is that okay with
You?

Verse two:
Hiding every mark
Trying to start over.
No reason why.
I have nothing on
That will brace me
For the cold wind
Of November.
My coat's in my house
My skin s goose bitten
Now.

(chorus)

Bridge:
Too bad
If it's
Not
Okay.
(sorry I'm done with you)
Too late
For us to be
(so you can let go of me)
I'm through with these
Limitations
I'm over the sweet exclamations
You made.
Not tied down to you
Not lost in the blue of your eyes.
Not this time.

(chorus)


When he died, I though my world was falling apart. I thought everything I had died along with him. Then he game me meaning.

I guess his death and his betrayal was some sort of motor. I heard through the grapevine that I'm good enough to make it to State. I don't know though.

Things I want for next year.
1. To drop down to 117.
2. To drive
3. To love
4. To meet someone who makes me feel
5. To impact someone else's life
6. To live
7. To get a perfect on the SAT & ACT
8. To make money to buy what I want
9. To volunteer.
10. To talk to him again.

There's this moment; it only happens very rarely, but it's there –when everything seems perfect. And though we know, it isn't perfect, we're fine with that. You see, because we build our world on the false pretense that we're going to be the best, we suffer.

There will always be someone who is better than us.

You can't force love because if you do, you get hurt. This is so because you create something that isn't love as love; and that thing leaves, well so do you.

People change.

If there's anything that anyone learns from me I want it to be this: People change. Yes, they may seem like your knight in shining armor, but fairytales are overrated. That farce and that illusion vanish after awhile, and you don't see what you thought you saw.

Lately, it seems like no one's really listening. I mean of course they say they are, but I know better than to believe that. With certain people you can tell almost immediately because they get this glazed over look in their eyes; while others… are difficult.

What does family mean to you? To me it's just a... word, because my family hurts me… emotionally… no need to call DSS... jeez. They say they don't but I won't lie. There are times when I just don't want it anymore, and there are times when I want to run and never come back (some would say that's what I'm doing by going to boarding school), but I don't because I have other responsibilities.

There's this quote I once came across that said, "All are architects of fate." I love tis quote because while, yes, I am a Christian, it gives me hope that I have control too. It means that I can control my destiny because I can choose. I have free will.

Free will. It's funny because on this forum I help moderate, we had the same topic: Do we really have free will? I said that we do, because we have the choice to obey God, or not. Then it was said that God knows all so He knows what we're going to do and if we had free will and went against Him that would mean HE was wrong, and He's never wrong. My rebuttal was that He can change His mind, and also change the path He trekked out for each of us,. Yes we have free will because even if we go against Him, He is never wrong because He reserved the right to change His mind.

One of my favorite songs is by Far-Less; It's called, "A toast to bad Taste." There's this part in it where it says, "Just like the lion and the lamb/ But only in real life./ you won't see, hunter and prey/ polluting the same space/ ooo-afraid to go/ ooo-but I can't speak for myself//" I guess we're all afraid to go because in all actuality, we're all the prey in some sense, but we're all also the hunter in a sense because we're looking for something that isn't there…. And it's: validation.

Further on in the song it's said, "you can't see the lives that we lead/ when you've lost your will to be." This is true because when you lose all meaning the only thing you CAN see is the things YOU'VE done wrong; words you never said; good deeds you left unrewarded.

What's the one thing you wish you could change?